


Permafusion

by myneuronarrative



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Drowning, Gem Fusion, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Lima Syndrome, Other, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Stockholm Syndrome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-09
Updated: 2019-07-09
Packaged: 2020-06-25 13:39:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19746859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myneuronarrative/pseuds/myneuronarrative
Summary: Lapis Lazuli’s musings about Jasper and being fused as Malachite.





	Permafusion

I watched her drown underneath me. I felt the bubbles against my feet as I held her there, indicating that it would soon be my turn to go for a swim. She would grab my legs and pull me down, and there was never enough time to register what was going on. Sometimes, I would physically fight with her, my supple body trying to push this hideous bulk of a gem through the shallow membrane. Most times, I would soar past her, submerging her yet again and fighting against the chains as though I was a scolded dog in her backyard.

Sometimes, we swam together, too exhausted to fight each other. I can’t shake the way she looked at me. She had the same pair of desolate eyes like me. 

As I kept her bound to me, I felt her bleed into my mind. She heard me profess how much I hated her for all that she and her Agate put me through when I was a prisoner on Homeworld. She heard me talk about how much I hated Peridot for interrogating me and standing by as they did all of those things to me. No matter what, I hated myself most of all for not being shattered the day someone stepped on my gem.

I openly talked about killing her, as well as the satisfaction I would feel from cracking her gem with my bare hands. She heard me reminisce over what I did to Steven and his family back in Beach City, and how sometimes, I wish I could’ve drowned all of Earth’s inhabitants so that people out there who hurt like me wouldn’t have to feel pain anymore. And all she did was smile at this! She practically applauded me for my cruelty, and even blithely asked to see what else I was capable of doing.

I got to look into her thoughts, as well. I heard her tell me how much she admired me for my strength. The way she coaxed me into thinking I was as monstrous as her, as _them_ , sounded like the light whispers of a lover that stuck to your neck and pampered you as you slept.

I heard her talk about how she was often beaten and ridiculed for failing a direct order from her superiors, and how she bonded with Peridot over their shared experiences. She talked about how Peridot and I probably pity her, and how she would always be left alone to fend for herself. Knowing that she had gone through such horrible pain enraged me. She represented everything I wanted to destroy in this world, and yet here she was, suffering and pathetically in love with me for wanting her dead. It made me wonder how long she had romanticized the thought of being shattered.

This pinprick of brutality within me dripped into our pond, spreading and growing each day. Eventually, we lived in muddy water, soiled by how comfortable we were with one another. I want to think it was her infecting me, as that’s what they all tell me, yet I carry the weight of Malachite as though I’m still holding Earth’s ocean in place. My loved ones always say that I’m no monster; I was a victim of circumstances; I did what I had to do to protect Earth. However, I still wish I could hide within a frozen pod made from my wings, drop to the bottom of our endless fusion, and disappear forever, just like I did when Jasper capsized me and took full control at Watermelon Island.

They say that when you’re a fusion, and you let your thoughts cloud your mind, you can see things that aren’t there. Here’s what I saw: water and Jasper. Both of those things were too real to deny. I see any body of water, and I feel those cold shackles coming for me, trapping my hands and welcoming the forgotten pangs I felt from holding Jasper down with all of my might. I imagine drowning and seeing the last few bubbles foam from my lips before blackness engulfs me. The idea of two or more gems willingly fusing sickens me; it makes me think about the times we grappled with one another. It was so commonplace, it was as if we were embracing one another. She knew how to make my wings disappear mid-air, and I’m left falling, falling, and eventually landing in the abyss that is Malachite’s heart.

On my own, who am I? Just another facet of her. If it were possible to die the way humans do, that’s what happened to Lapis Lazuli. After trying her damnedest to break free of the mirror she was trapped in, here she was again, bobbing in and out of the deep pool within a cavernous tomb.

And all she can say is, _we’re Malachite now._

**Author's Note:**

> I originally posted this here about two years ago, but I took it down at one point because I just wasn’t satisfied with it. I was going to post this on a different account, where I go into greater detail about my trauma and CPTSD, but that was because I initially thought this fic would be Mature. I think Teen is a more appropriate rating given that teens can digest the complex themes presented in the show, so there’s no reason to think they wouldn’t understand the complexity of Lapis and Jasper’s abusive relationship.
> 
> I think Malachite makes for a very interesting fusion, not just because it’s symbolic for an abusive relationship, but also because it can show the negative affects of being a fusion for too long (e.g., lacking a sense of identity without the other to fuse with).
> 
> Also, in case people are wondering why Lapis and Jasper are “shipped” together in the relationship category, I neither ship them nor do I ignore their trauma of being Malachite. When I put two characters in the relationship category, it doesn’t automatically make their relationship healthy or OK. I know this is common knowledge for some, but given that people have unironically included shit like “[x] ships Jaspis” in callout posts, I practically feel coerced into issuing disclaimers such as these for my safety.
> 
> Either way, I hope you enjoy this fic and that you have a nice day! And if you relate to this in any way, shape, or form, I wish you the best in what you do. ♡


End file.
